If you think divorcing means the end of your problems, by cutting out your partner out of your life who is the cause of so much unhappiness, ( I would rather be alone then deal with THIS stress!)chances are that you maybe wrong.  A new set of problems usually begins only after the divorce. To deal with wagging tongues, anger, guilt, finances, life as a single person or even a single parent you need to call on the inner reserves of your strength.

Coping, surviving and adjusting to being single after the end of a relationship can be a traumatic experience emotionally. After all your whole life is build around your partner. You are accepted as a couple in the society where everyone else is usually a couple or a family too. Many women feel like a failure. Not only are you suddenly single after being part of a twosome but also there is nothing, no warmth, friendship, financial security, or an intimate relation left!

If you have a child, then you not only have to deal with your own problems but with your child's as well.

In a continent like Asia where the whole family system is so close knit, getting a divorce usually means getting unwanted advice from every relative, friend and neighbor on your personal problems. Then there are the wagging tongues, which can usually add on to existing stress. So maybe you are lucky if you might have been born in the west. Even though, wagging tongues are usually global!

According to Victoria Smith Lone, marriage counselor the first step towards healing is accepting that your relationship is over and both of you were at fault to some respect. Life goes on. It is not the end of the world.

Spend some time away from it all and think about what went wrong and what was your role in it. If you do discover something wrong within yourself, think about what you will do about it. At the same time do not beat yourself over the things you or your partner did wrong. Blaming your partner for everything and anything only leads to constant anger and frustration.

Divorce can be a time of learning and growing as well. Take this time to do something you always wanted to do but were not able do because of your marriage and circumstances. Many women join a new educational courses, move cities, take up a creative activity like painting, dancing, singing, get a new hairdo or even change careers.

Do not fall into another relationship on the rebound. It is time for you to deal with the existing conflicts rather than create a new one. If you are really interested in someone else, don't rush into it. Otherwise it won't be fair to you or him if you are carrying excess baggage of a third person in your new relationship.

Use the time between relationships to get to know yourself all over again. Think about the changes in yourself, whether they are positive or negative. Shed the negative and focus on those dreams forgotten long time back. Why not pursue that dream now? It is never too late.
 
Do not fall into the trap of pitying yourself especially with others.

Once you have understood that you have a problem, fifty percent of it is solved. The next step is to accept your feelings, and learn ways to care for yourself during this stressful time.

Don't fall into depression if your family does not support you. If it means living separately from your family to get away from the constant disapproval then do it at least till they come around.

Physical Stress

It is now scientifically accepted that any ongoing stress can affect the body either as a mild or major illness. And it is understood that in a stressful situation like an aftermath of a divorce, physical problems like headaches, backaches ulcers, flu, and asthma will definite arise out of the emotional ones. Even if you feel relieved by the divorce, you may have physical symptoms.

Once you have accepted that the physical problems are arising from the emotional stress, it's time to deal with them. Release your feelings. Most women after an initial period of relief, feel lonely, frustrated or even hopeless. It is quite normal to feel like that. Why not take up a physical exercise to vent your frustrations. Taking up aerobics, dancing, running or cycling will get rid of all that excess emotions leaving you with barely enough energy to think about your frustrations and hurt. You also get to meet new people and before you know it your new life has begun!

In such times some women close up and resurrect their defenses. If you are doling so, then understand that bottling up your feelings can be dangerous. You should reach out to your loved ones including your friends, relatives, and support groups. If you do not have that kind of a support structure, have you considered therapy?
Treat your body well. Cutting down on alcohol and smoking will also help. Eat healthy, tasty food. Take long baths and get exercise you enjoy.

Taking care of yourself and taking risks can have surprising benefits. Don't be surprised if eventually you are stronger, more confident and more content than before.

Dealing with your Child-Post Divorce

The single most important thing in a child's life is security and normalcy. Divorce can bring the unfamiliar terror of insecurity that can even have adverse affect on a child's emotional well, being if he is not looked after.

You have lost a husband, a home and a friend but your child has lost more form his tiny pint of view. Studies have show that a kid can feel lonely, unloved, abandoned and even guilty. Whether your child will adapt comfortably or with difficulty to your divorce rather depends upon the child, and also how the parents relate to him and with each other during and after the divorce.

A separation not only brings your own insecurities and decreases your confidence but does the same to a child as well. In the west, children who are tossed around especially in a custody battle by both parents can develop psychological problems like skepticism, inability to trust and the fear of rejection later on in life, no matter how bright.

So you have a double responsibility to yourself and your child during this difficult time. Here are a few tips by our resident marriage counselor
 
Try and maintain the same routine for yourself and your child as before. It could mean same bedtime, meals at normal times, same Saturday movies, same discipline and a happy front. At this time your child needs stability to grow.

Be more affectionate and try to spend some more time with your child.   Let them know you are very much around

Do not bitch about your partner to your child. Also do not argue in front of your kid. Children have ears everywhere.

Communicate with your child. Let them know that while both mummy and daddy loves them, they could not stay together because of some differences. Also let them know it is normal to feel angry.

Support your children's friendships and activities. Try not to change his or her school and area at least till the child recovers from the shock of it all.

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